Reasons

by Annie Mayhem

Bardock surveyed the beach, and what he could see of the island, from the air before he touched down.  It was large and rocky but deserted, and everything edible had long since been plucked, stripped or dug and eaten.  He'd expected that, and had brought a few scant rations, and a little firewood.

Odd how his growling belly and parched throat didn't accept that he'd come here to die.  Somehow he hadn't expected that, though he'd taken a few days to put his affairs in order before leaving.  Raditz was already in military school, and Kakarot sent just this morning to a distant alien planet.

His commander hadn't argued with his decision, though the others' averted eyes and furtive glances had told him they knew where he was going.  No one saw him off, or wished him a safe journey or return.  They knew he wasn't coming back.

        It was where Saiyans went, what they did, when the pain of life became too much.

        Losing his mate was the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

He saw no signs of the others.  Surely he wasn't the only one seeking death this cycle?
He shrugged.  It would make little difference anyway, since no one would ever know what
happened to him.  There would be no funeral, no remains, just swift red rending and devouring by one of his fellow-mourners tranformed by moonlight.

He had a couple of hours left.  Time enough for a last meal, and maybe a nap.  He didn't want too much time to think about it.  Well.  A nap would keep him from thinking, and use up some of the empty time.  He hoped he'd be able to get to sleep.

He wasn't.  Neither the fire he'd lit in the cave he'd found nor a full belly was able to lull him to sleep.  He wasn't surprised, and just wished he'd thought to bring a game, a book, anything to keep his mind off his loss.  He spent his last hours ranting, growling, pacing.

And when the moon rose, he went out naked to meet it, raising his arms like a worshipful supplicant, welcoming the change and the forgetfulness it brought.

        And the world went black.

Bardock awoke to hazy pain and the smell of blood.  Hunh.  Not what I expected the afterlife to be like, he mused fuzzily.  He forced protesting eyes to open against the too-bright sunlight, and they punished him with an overpowering headache.  He had deep gouges over his chest and right shoulder, and he was naked and tired and sweaty and achy and thirsty and smelly and sunburned and still alive.

        Still alive.  How'd he manage that?

He ran gentle fingers over the gouges, frowning.  Oozaru claw marks--that's all they could be.
That meant--that meant he'd won the encounter.  Trust me to not even be able to kill myself right! he thought bitterly.  Now he was awake and self-aware again, and had to face his memories, while his opponent--whoever it had been--had found the oblivion both had been seeking.  It might even have been someone he knew that he'd killed.

        And eaten.

Bardock gagged, rolled over and vomited, silently thanking the gods he couldn't see any identifiable Saiyan body parts in there.  He lay back, panting, to consider his options.

Thirsting to death was fairly fast, but he doubted he'd have the willpower for it.  He'd probably just wind up guzzling the briny seawater when it got the best of him.

Starving would take care of itself, unless he wanted to live on lichens and bugs.

He could see to it his wounds got infected, but that would be a painful way to go.

It was too warm to freeze.  Maybe he could drown himself?  Fly way out over the sea and plunge into the water?  No, that wouldn't work--if he could fly out, he could fly back.  Ditto for levitating-then-falling, or heading for outer space, or ki-blasting himself.

He growled as he limped back toward the cave.  He was a warrior; he'd find a way.

        But first he was going to get some sleep.

He awoke even more stiff and achy than he'd been in the morning, and pushed himself upright with an irritable snarl.  His scabbed-over wounds throbbed, and he was still hungry and thirsty and naked and sweaty and sunburned.  And, he realized, too much of a coward to end it this way.  He'd have to transform.

        Or start looking for lichens and bugs.

He pushed his way out of the cave and truly saw the stark landscape for the first time.  Sand, sea, rocks and shadows under the three-quarters-full moon.  No animal noises.  No leaves to rustle in the wind.  Just more rocks.

He stepped into a patch of moonlight and uncurled his tail, waiting, hoping against hope that it would be enough to transform him, to end this misery.

        Nothing happened.

        He slammed angry fists into his own thighs in frustration.

        NOW I have to wait through another whole cycle to die!  It's so UNFAIR!

For custom demanded, and honor required, that he remain for one full cycle if he somehow managed to survive that first night.  He'd known that sometimes people survived, but he'd been so convinced it was his time, so ready...

But he wasn't ready for an entire cycle of vermin and seawater, though in his heart he doubted that even his Saiyan metabolism could withstand it *that* long.  What a way for a warrior to die.
He took a deep breath and soundly cursed the universe for not killing him last night, and for taking his mate away, and especially for its perversity in denying him the quick painless (or at least less-conscious) death he'd planned.  Then he raved at the moon for daring not be full when he needed it to be and for hanging there in the sky and mocking him.

A tiny voice in his head kept repeating that if anyone could see him now, they'd surely think him completely insane, ranting naked at and under the moon.

"Ha!" he sneered at the voice.  "If anyone wants to look at me, they'll have to use a scouter with a telescopic lens!"

A scouter.  Oh, gods.  A lens.

        A lens to magnify the moon-rays.

He was shocked into silence, and collapsed on top of a convenient boulder.  Would it work?
"Only one way to find out," he muttered as he powered up and cleared his mind of distractions--no small accomplishment in his current state.  He focused and shaped his ki into a lens, wishing all the while he'd paid more attention in physics class.  Nothing happened.  He settled in for a long night of trying different shapes, heights, angles and thicknesses, and was concentrating so hard he almost didn't notice when the world went away.

He awoke with truly foul morning breath and a bellyfull of neighbor.  He fought to keep it down.

Every night, weather permitting, Bardock practiced his new technique if there was even a sliver of moonlight.  He slept during the day, and was oblivious of time when he was transformed, so the lunar cycle went by faster than he could ever have imagined.   Occasional rainstorms forced him to go hungry but also gave him a chance to get fresh water.

By the time he was honorably allowed to leave, he'd had plenty of time to think and to grieve, he'd mastered his new technique, and his wounds were healed.  His physical wounds, anyway.
He still missed his mate terribly, but he no longer wanted to die.

He spent his last night on the island in the most secure cave he could find.  No sense in surviving this long just to get eaten by this month's crop of oozaru.  And he'd already decided to keep his new technique a secret.  It might come in handy sometime, and a third-class warrior needed all the advantages he could get.  He got no sleep that night--no surprise--but he was surprised at how tight the outfit he'd brought was now.  Had he actually gained weight here?

        He didn't want to think about it.

He was in good spirits as he flew toward home--and a real meal!  And a real bed!  And a hot bath!  And some conversation!

His commander was astonished to see him, as were his squadmates.  He showed off his new scars and reclaimed a few items he'd given away, thinking he'd die soon.  It took awhile--and a warrior's oath--to convince them that, yes, he really had endured the island for a whole cycle without leaving or having supplies smuggled in.

No one had ever heard of such a thing.  His commander shook his head in wonder.  "Destiny must've spared you for a reason."

Bardock shrugged.  "I have NO idea."